ridiculous

In any retail job, there are certain things that one must do to keep oneself sane. This includes: remembering that the customer is always right, lifting heavy objects from the knees, and drinking copious amounts of alcohol after hours. For the all stars at a certain bookstore in Mesa, however, there was also the Ridiculous Game. The game was introduced by one trainer, who shall remain nameless, and he was known to contribute to the game almost daily for a time. However, other staff who took delight in the game were allowed to contribute.

The object of the Ridiculous Game was to think of the most outlandish, fantastical- shall we even dare to say... ridiculous? -actions a bookseller could perform before customers. These actions would, of course, never actually take place in real life. These acts ranged from simple to far-fetched to downright impossible. But the game helped retail staff such as myself to release some of the frustrations of day to day occurrences on the job, with the added bonus of retaining employment.

Some of my favorites included:

* When it is time to walk the customer over to the product which they had requested, the seller simply reaches over to a book- all the while maintaining eye contact with the customer- and pushes it off the shelf and to the floor. No response is given to the book's fall, and a look of surprise will come over the seller's face should the customer lean over to pick it up and try to replace it on the shelf. Bonus points if the seller can push another book off the shelf while the customer is leaning over.

* In the case of low bookshelves placed in a series, when a seller is asked to locate a book on the other side, rather than walking around the shelves, the seller will climb over King Kong style. Even better if the seller a) knocks over a large portion of books, or b) causes the entire shelving unit to collapse, while the seller hands the book over with a smile.

* When customers are extremely rude to one of the young, naive sellers, it is the duty of the manager to take the offending customer to the merchandising cage (where high ticket items are stored) and lock them away. After several hours, the manager will check on the customer to see whether s/he is ready to apologize to their victim. If the customer is a repeat offender, they may be forced to remove and re-sticker the sale items.

* During each shift, one seller will be designated as ninja. This role is to silently move about the crawl space above the store ceiling tiles and observe the customers' behaviors. If a customer is doing any of the following: stealing items, making nasty bathroom messes, picking their nose and wiping it on store chairs, cornering staff to talk endlessly about their pet rats, or yelling at staff irrationally, the ninja swoops from above and snatches the offending customer from view, never to be seen again.

* When a repeat cafe customer purchases a brand new version of a book or magazine they've been reading daily in the seating area, the seller should pull out the stained, folded over copy from the shelf below the register and swap this copy into the customer's bag. A conscientious seller will also draw a sweet little smiley face on the inside cover before the swap takes place.

Oh, I know it is snarky, but it did keep us sane and that much more able to return to work the next day for service with a smile...