new eyes

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." -Eleanor Roosevelt

I have an intense desire to change things up constantly. It can be a great motivator, but also a way to run away from things; my greatest skill and my deepest flaw. Signing up for a three year program for graduate school felt like signing my life away, and as many of you know I was chomping at the bit to escape around about last summer. I stayed with it and I'm fighting the old urge because I really WANT to complete this degree and I sure as hell don't want to waste all the money I've spent. But if I'm really honest- maybe too much so?- I question if this whole being-in-Portland-and-getting-this-degree is really such a good idea (*Cue the angsty background music*) Is my degree going to be relevant in the job market? Why has Portland been such a tough nut to crack, when it's always been so easy for me to settle in new places? Am I getting too old to not have this figured all this out by now? Shouldn't I be flying off on my next adventure to somewhere exotic? Or buying a house and settling down like any proper 30-something female?

So after a day of stewing in my emo-ness (that's a word, right?), I took my little sister out for dinner. She was trying her first gyro while we were going over her homework, because she hasn't been doing a lot of it lately. As we talked, she mentioned her geography lessons being boring. I told her about the year I taught sixth grade, and how much I enjoyed teaching that particular subject. She asked me about what we'd done. I explained that each student had received a passport with each page representing a region of the world. Each week the class studied 15-20 countries and at the end of the week, they took a quiz on the region. Those who passed got a stamp in their passport. Simultaneously, there was a giant world map on one entire wall of the classroom. Students clipped articles out of the newspaper that corresponded with the region we were studying, thus learning about wars, politics, and other current events. Two of my friends happened to be traveling through Africa and Europe at the time, so they sent postcards and emails which we tracked on our map as well. By the end of the year, students could accurately describe world events and pinpoint their locations. It was, by far, one of my most enjoyable experiences of teaching.

My little sister replied that it all sounded fun and relevant and she wished I could be her teacher. Then, she added, she admired the way that I lived my life. "You really know how to LIVE, Stephanie. You've done so many cool things, and it's like you don't even know how much you have gotten to do, like living in China and teaching all over and being an interpreter and just going to college- twice! I want to live a life like that." I reminded her that there were still a lot of things I had left to do, and that she had her whole life ahead of her to do anything she wanted to do. Then we walked to her place and I dropped her off.

But on my way home, I teared up a little (and I am a little now, too), because her words were so sincere. She had no idea what an impact it made to be able to see my life through her eyes. I was reminded that I have been incredibly blessed- and continue to be- and that I can trust that I "really know how to live." It's not like all my problems are instantly solved or anything (I can point out the flaws better than anyone), but it's a great reminder that I have a choice, both about how I am looking at my life and how it will all turn out.

Thanks, R, for helping me get some perspective.